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A Tip For Single Men

December 1, 2007

So you want to entertain, but aren’t sure how to do it?  Are you ignorant at the culinary arts, feeling unable to prepare a meal for a group of people?  Here’s a few tips on how you can host your very own dinner party!

1.  Keep your ears open.  When you go home to your mother and/or grandmother, and she talks about how one of your favorite dishes is “so easy to make”, pay attention.  This is a cue that your brain should translate as follows: even a dunce couldn’t ruin this meal.

2.  Get the recipes from your mother/grandmother.  This is vital – you need some sort of recipe for how to make this, especially if you don’t know much about spices and what tastes good with what.

3.   Don’t try anything fancy.  This is important.  If you have an idea on how to make it better, always, always, ALWAYS clear it with your mom.  Greater men than you have died making this mistake.

4.  Go to the grocery store to get these items.  This involves going into aisles not labeled “frozen food” and “soups” and “breakfast cereals”.  You might learn something about the place you shop!

5.   Invite your guests.  If you are inviting girls, you will find they tend to be very helpful and offer to bring stuff!  Don’t turn it down, even if you think what they are bringing is “weird” or doesn’t go with what your idea of this meal is.

6.  Make your food.  Follow the directions TO THE LETTER.  Don’t stray from the script.  Remember: you are not a world class chef.  You are a single male, which makes you a bad cook.  That stuff you see on FoodTV is for the pros.  Don’t try it at home – you will get messy and your food will taste gross instead of delicious.

NOTE: When recipes say the word oven, they don’t mean the microwave oven.  Also, preheating is important.  You will not get the same results if you put your food in and turn the oven on while it is cold.   Preheating is a Latin word that means “turn your oven on before you start mixing the ingredients.”

7.   Have people over, and eat.  If you have done this right, your coolness points will go up, everyone will think you are some kind of chef, and the ladies just might be impressed.

8.  Don’t take credit!  This step is important!  After all, you didn’t DO anything, except follow your mother’s instructions.  This is something that is to be expected of you anyway, so it isn’t impressive.  This makes you happy, your guests happy, and your mom happy.  Also, be sure to tell your Mom how well it went if it went well.  If it didn’t go well, take the blame like a man.

I’ve used this to great effect on several occasions.  If you know me, you know I’m not that good in the kitchen.  However, Mom helps me cover that up (thanks Mom!) by making me look like some kind of genius.

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